When are you going to China?

Em (pause) hopefully after Uni (unclear)

When do you finish Uni? January?

August.

August (pause) nice one. I'm going to go travelling, but I'm moving back home in June, and then I'm going to save up, and get the hell out of here.

Yeah me too.

But I'm thinking for like a couple of years. I was talking to (NAME) and he we- he went like for a couple of years. Think I need about four grand or six or maybe I was thinking eight grand.

Where do you want to go travelling?

The world.

The world.

You know at first it was going to be Australia, New Zealand, and I then I thought, working my way round Hong Kong, Thailand, Australia, New Zealand.

Yeah, definitely do Hong Kong and Thailand. If you go to Thailand, you've been to Thailand before haven't you?

Yeah. Koha San Road, Pakong Market and that but I don't think they count. I want to see everywhere.

Yeah, if you go to Thailand then I recommend err

(pause) My cousin lives in Thailand.

Whereabouts?

Don't know. (laughter)

Has he met a Thai bride?

I met him, no he hasn't. He's beautiful like. Em, well he's my Dad's cousin's son. Don't know what that makes him (pause) cousin.

Second cousin isn't it? No.

I never get it, I really don't know, but he e- em (pause) e- I met him at Pakong Market, so I guess, yeah, he only lives in Bangkok.

He lives in Bangkok.

My cousin, my dad's cousin (NAME), who's a chauvinist pig, but my cousin's really nice.

Really.

He's really good looking. He's like modelling for Honda, but then he fell off his bike and you know how they don't wear helmets.

Ye- yeah, well like my friend (NAME), she had to cut her holiday short because she came off her bike.

Yeah.

So (pause) she has a hole in her knee.

She what?

She has a hole in her knee.

Does she? He's gone deaf in one ear and he's got slurred speech now.

mm.

So don't ride a bike with no helmet.

I was fine, me and (NAME) were fine. It's just em (pause) (NAME) let (NAME) ride a bike and (NAME)'s not, not very good at anything so

(laughter) Brilliant.

No, but when I first got on the bike it was the first time I'd ever ridden one. (NAME)- I said to (NAME) you cannot ride this bike, and then we lost each other because we were going too fast.

(pause) I would like to learn to ride a bike (unclear) so then I could learn and like travel through, everywhere.

Everywhere on a bike.

Yeah, like one that goes through the sea obviously. (laughter) Have you not seen that on Top Gear?

No.

There is one.

I don't like Top Gear.

I love it, with Howie Hammond. Aww, so glad he survived his crash. He's totally quality.

Ok right let's em let's make some stuff up. (laughter)

(laughter) (NAME)'s middle name is Noel Edmonds.

(laughter) Not that sort of stuff, but ok fair enough. Any opinions on Noel Edmonds, no?

No.

No.

If you could have a dream house, anywhere in the world, it could look like anything, it could have anything in it (pause) What would you have? (pause) Open to the floor.

I would have, I haven't finished designing it in my head yet, em but like loads of different rooms, one just full of like cushions, just padded not like a psycho room though, like, (laughter) and you've got to tie me up in a straight jacket and do stuff to me, no like just like a one where you just go and chill and get       . And then another room where like you got an er trampoline base attached to the walls with springs and like that's the ceiling of the room below and it's the floor of the room you're in yeah and like everything is stuck to the walls so you just bounce around the room. And then one that's just a big bed. And then one that's full of balls like a ball pool, but a ball room and then I don't know, loads of things.

Yeah it's a difficult question like.

(unclear)

In my house I'd definitely have a pool and a Jacuzzi yeah, where where would it be maybe in er, China. (laughter)

(laughter) Any reason why?

Because I'm obsessed with Chinese people (pause) I'm not really.

(laughter) Ok.

It's just my Godmother was, is from Hong Kong. It seems to be mild obsession with

You kind of do though.

I don't have an obsession It's not an obsession.

It's a keen interest.

It is an interest.

But it's a good interest. It's healthy.

Yes.

I don't have any interests.

Fair enough. Right ok. Let's do Christmas. Right, Christmas. What are your favourite things about Christmas?

Presents.

Presents. (laughter)

I don't know. I hate to see my family but it's probably seeing my family because I keep thinking they're not going to be here one day and I need to stop so stop being so selfish and appreciate seeing them. So I think it's probably seeing my family.

Fair enough.

And food.

Oh yeah the food. One year I had three Christmas dinners.

You pig. That doesn't shock me at all.

Three different, three different (unclear) as well.

That doesn't shock me either.

Em (pause) favourite Christmas film?

Em Muppets Christmas Carol. Have you seen that one (NAME)? I mean (NAME).

(NAME), stop it! Em. I have. It's good. It is good, especially with the ghosts and the dying and everything but (pause) no I can't think of any Christmas films.

What about films in general? What are your favourite films?

I watched Crank the other day for the first time.

Crank? What's that?

It's em (pause) basically a guy gets injected with a lethal dose of this cocktail that's er (unclear) Bangkok cocktail or something and it it affects his adrenal gland, so he has to keep his adrenaline up or he dies. And so he does everything to keep it up and like he's running round killing people. And then he's like has sex with his wife in the middle of a market in front of everyone and then just does everything and it's just funny. It's pretty        very well.

That's fine. That's why they're on film.

(laughter)

My favourite film used to be Spiderman until they cast Toby Maguire to be Peter Parker, which I think was stupid, big mistake. Spiderman one was all right, two was good, and er three was really really poor (pause) disappointed.

I love True Romance.

What's that?

I've got it upstairs on video em where it's got em I think it's like an all star cast.

Who's it got?

And it's got Christian Slater and that blonde girl what's she called. What's she called (pause) oh I don't know but really really good film, drug smuggling and they fall in love and ahhh it's really good.

(laughter) Em ok. Newcastle. What are your favourite things about Newcastle? In fact if you were going to persuade somebody to come to Newcastle (pause) how would you?

I think a lot of people come to Newcastle for the nightlife, like for stag parties and stuff (unclear) there's always people in Whitley Bay like going out.

True, but to come to live here we've got so much more than just drinking like.

Art galleries.

Like well the club culture's getting better, but they have got loads of art galleries and stuff and The Sage and like they're constantly regenerating the Quayside. I think it's got quite a lot to offer. Obviously Belle and Herbs, major attraction (pause) what else?

Brown Ale. Don't care for it much though, but

Don't care for it at all.

No.

But like you can also you know you're close to the country and all

You've got the be- you've got the coast.

You've got everything you want. If you want to stay in the city, you can. If you want to get out, you can. And like everyone, it's not too big a city. Like Leeds is a bit too big and then some places are a bit too small. Here it's comfortable and you get to know people, get to know locals and everyone's friendly

Yes, yes.

kind of thing. A lot friendlier. Like people from the south that I know that have moved up here say like (pause) everyone is so friendly compared to like in London people just don't, I suppose it's a London thing, nightmare, but like they're just not as friendly as they are up here. Us Geordies, proper class.

(laughter) Er what are your favourite foods?

(NAME)'s bolognaise sauce (laughter) (pause) em

Pizza cheese bruschetta.

Bruschetta! Ooo shall we talk you through the ideal bruschetta?

Go for it.

You need a big beef tomato, all chopped up, marinated in like balsamic vinegar and olive oil dressing with loads of fresh basil in black pepper and bit of paprika and some salt and toasted ciabatta with a bit of pesto spread on. Mm and then you just pour it over and ahh it's ideal, ideal.

Ooo. (laughter)

Su- Su- Sunday lunches they're one of my favourite. Like a roast dinner, and roast lamb, mashed potato, Yorkshire puddings, loads of vegetables.

Vegetables. I love ratatouille, courgettes, just courgettes.

I love courgettes.

Mmm stuffed peppers. You can get them my mum give us this recipe for stuffed peppers. It's got like rice fried with onions and pine nuts um and like peas or something but fresh mint is the key and ahh they're delicious. You stuff em and put a bit of feta on top, the fresh mint is so nice mm (pause) and lasagne.

We could probably talk more about food if you want. What else? I can't think of any. What do I like?

Chinese food.

Chi- I'm not really keen. (laughter) I don't really like Chinese food. One time I tried to freak people out by trying to make them eat chickens feet.

Oh I've done that. It was vile.

Chi- chick- They're not vile, just pretty much flavourless and I hate cartilage and you can't avoid the cartilage.

No it's just rank.

I like it in a nice black bean sauce (pause) erm yeah it's a kind of dim sum, there's loads of different types of Chinese dim sum, and em my favourite's a one called a (unclear) have you had dim sum before?

No.

It's like I think it, the word means just like Chinese delicacies. It's like you get just like little dumplings and buns and stuff like that.

Ahhhoo I've had loads of those.

What about spring rolls? They're a dim (interruption) sum as well.

(interruption) Yes.

But a lot of them are steamed and some are fried as well.

We had them steamed things, the one opposite the card bar. Do you know the one opposite the card bar? Me and (NAME) went a lot three years ago, card bars like you know, Tilly's you know, where Tilly's bar in town. It's like that area where you can go up the road from Carling Academy on the right

Oh is it called, what's it called, did it get re- bu- re-

It might be redone. It was a while ago. It was rank and some Chinese people recommended eating these things, so we got all the steamed things and picked them up and like one of them was chicken's feet and I didn't know what they hell they were. I thought they were like soggy mini octopus that you (interruption) can get.

(interruption) Yeah.

Didn't have a clue, like covered in batter but soggy and then em, obviously realised they were something different when we bit them and they opened up and was sort of like a foot and then we had those, I think they're dumplings but they had like a sheath, all I can describe it as is a sheath.

Wonton pastry, but it's boiled not fried.

Is it boiled? But it was rank and it looked like one of them looked like an eyeball, but it looked like       , but kind of like a bit too big and not stuffed full enough. Disgusting!

I really like them.

They were, it was the appearance.

Yeah. (unclear) like I think it erm a har gow which is like this stodgy white pastry with this pork wrapped in stodgy white pastry. It em that that looks like a foetus.

Yeah there's pretty rank stuff. I think I blocked it out of my mind (pause) Sorry for the description, it's pretty vile.

(laughter) Lovely.

Sorry.

Hobbies! (laughter) What do you do in your spare time? Other than eat.

I don't think you want to know.

All right.

(laughter) Gym. (unclear) I go to the gym.

I never really do any exercise.

Be my gym buddy. (NAME) will get jealous and have to come. You can be my gym buddy.

To be honest with you, I think I'd just go for a swim and sit in the sauna. (unclear) I've got back fat and love handles.

I've just got fat. What else? Going out, dancing and making friends with random people. Honestly like, I keep making friends with more and more random people, but staying friends with them, and not pull them, achievement.

That's why you're staying friends with them.

I don't want to pull them, but I love them.

What about your new guy (NAME)?

He doesn't count. I've know him for three years.

Oh right.

He's more than a friend and I pulled him, obviously. But no, like (NAME) and (NAME) and (NAME) I absolutely love them.

Right hang on a second and I'll give you something else to do.

Why what do you think of him?

He's quite good looking. Where's he from? Em

He lives in Forest Hall.

Forest Hall, do you know whereabouts?

I don't even know the area man. (unclear)

You have that one (pause) you have that one. Right. One at a time I want you to describe, don't show each other the pictures, (unclear) (laughter) you need to describe it but like a game you can't say

They've got to guess what it is.

Yes.

Right do you want to go first (NAME)?

Yes.

No cheating or saying 'rhymes with' or doing actions or

It's got ears, and teeth, and it hides eggs, that you've got to find.

Ears and teeth that hide eggs and you've got to find.

It's an animal.

It's an animal with ears and teeth.

(laughter) They hide eggs that you've got to find, at a certain time of year.

(laughter) I'm really hung over you know.

you're really retarded, come on.

It hides eggs? What kind of animal hides its own eggs?

Wha- what time of year does it (pause) no no chocolate.

Ahh, the Easter bunny.

mmhuh (laughter)

See when you said teeth I thought you meant like (unclear)

I suppose you could like think that otherwise but no.

Right. This one is something that you would get in a garden but in this occasion it's it's kind of been moved and it's got metal chains and it's got plants in.

A hanging basket.

That's exactly what it says. (laughter)

(laughter) This is a place and you can find it in Florida and, it has

Disneyland.

Oh yes it is.

Right. This picture is of something you can hang on a Christmas tree.

It's a bauble, tinsel.

No. It's edible.

Chocolate. Treat

It's red and white.

Oh candy cane.

Yeah it is.

Yay well that was funny.

I want more.

(unclear) pictures

We can find you some pictures.

Listen to this tester person, we want more.

Right ok, plans for the year ahead anybody?

Em try and get a good grade at Uni.

Extend my overdraft (laughter) and then get out of debt.

Pay off student loan.

What are you doing at Uni?

Photography.

Tell me about that.

Em it's a three year course, a three year honours and it's called Contemporary Photographical Practice and in the end, well through the course they're trying to teach you to be like artists. It's pretty much like art but using the medium of the camera to produce your art.

What do you take photos of?

Naked ladies.

(laughter)

Sorry. (laughter)

(laughter) Ok. Right. Now we're going to play starting up a dating agency in Newcastle. Where would you tell people to go to meet other people, for a start?

Clubs, bars, not Bigg Market. Depends on the people. You need some style. If you haven't got style I'd direct them to the Bigg Market, obviously we won't tell them that.

It depends what you want to get from the date.

No.

If if they want to get chatting send them to town. If they wa- if they want to like chill and like chat and have a nice meal or something then maybe like I don't know, there's a nice little restaurant in Tynemouth called Seventy Seventh Prince Street. It's a Chinese restaurant, it's the land of green ginger, not many people know it's there, so, but it's really nice. Some er good looking waiters in there.

You being one of them.

Yeah.

(laughter) Right. Good. Ok. Wh- what would your perfect person be like if you went to a dating agency? How would you describe them, without getting beaten?

She would be short, short blonde hair, looks a bit like Chanelle, Chanelle from Big Brother. Em she would have a nice little beauty spot there, sorry, on her (unclear) (laughter) just below her (unclear) em, she, she would have nice       

Where particularly though In Yorkshire?

(unclear) Actually no I'll strike that. I'll say Bradford. (laughter)

What about you?

At the moment, or just in general?

In general.

In general, I'd go for anyone.

(laughter) Not picky?

No they have (interruption) to have nice eyes.

(interruption) If you could create your dream man

They have to have I love eyes are the key to the soul. Green eyes and he's about six foot two.

I'm almost there.

And he's got an amazing body, and he's great and we can just laugh and (pause) no that doesn't matter. (laughter) Size doesn't matter. (laughter)

(laughter) (unclear)

He does have to be a good dancer. It's just he has to know how to have fun, not be a total psychopath.

You've just described me, but shorter and podgier. Sorry you've just described me but a shortier shorter podgier version.

No I haven't I've actually just described (NAME).

All right.

(laughter) Well, there you go. What accent would they have? What would be your favourite accent?

Ah to be honest I like the Irish accent.

I like Yorkshire accent, Irish accent and southern accent and Italian accent and Geordie accent.

Does a person's accent affect what you think of them?

Yeah.

On what basis?

If they're from Newcastle, I actually do judge them more. I'm a total snob sometimes, to be fully honest. I know that's bad but yeah, but then, no I am.

What about you?

What, do I judge people on their accents?

Mm

Err I really I don't know sorry. I might do but.

you're not aware of it.

Yes.

Have you ever been aware that you sound really different to someone else?

Yes.

Like when?

Like em I don't know. A lot of my mates are from private schools, so they speak proper like the Queen's English and like when I'm with them I feel a bit stupid sometimes just because I don't speak like them. It's quite sad.

(laughter) It's really sad.

(unclear) They're stupid. I'm not stupid.

Fair enough em, what's your favourite memory of each other?

Me and you?

Yeah em mine's when em I ate (NAME)'s er (laughter) muffins. She went mental, and it wasn't even me who instigated it. It was her friend (NAME) who says oh we'll just eat these. (NAME) won't mind.

Do you know what, I        minded. Still mind. I was so looking forward to them in the morning.

Honestly to be honest, I didn't know they were yours to begin with.

I'm not going into it (laughter)

(laughter) What's your favourite memory of me (NAME)?

Giving you       

Yeah.

I remember it was good.

'306'.

'306' all the way. Yeah.

(unclear)

Do you remember (NAME)?

(NAME) (NAME)?

(NAME) (NAME).

(NAME) (NAME) (unclear)

Used to sit on the back of the bus.

Did he have a shaven head?

He might have had. He's like always got tanned skin.

Yeah er yeah.

Yeah I saw him the other day. He's gone loopy smoking too much weed. Totally like (pause) not all there and he sits and he sits really close to you and he's looks at you and look right into your eyes and it's like he thinks he's going to kiss you, do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

You just get that feeling. I saw him last night, not last night, Friday night, Saturday night, and that's when I left (pause) but yeah he's gone well off the rails.

Mm

Did he do art or

I did art and then left because I thought the teacher was

(unclear)

don't know. No that guy that made you (interruption) paint with blue, I was just        off about it.

(interruption) (NAME) (pause) (NAME) (pause) I remember you were in my graphics class when I left graphics because

Yes it was a bit       .

I got a 'C' at art I got an 'A' at 'AS' then I just went off the rails like (pause) I didn't go to Uni, I didn't go to college, I broke up with my ex girlfriend for three and a half years now it's just,

Yes it sends you a bit mental doesn't it, getting out of any relationship (pause) Never again.

Never again having a relationship? Ever?

Until like soon. (laughter) I had two years of that. I want to be able to go mental for a bit.

Good plan. Em favourite childhood memories?

Ahh, camping.

Camping.

Camping with, my family, (NAME)'s family, (NAME)'s family, and the other (NAME)'s family, all four of us together. We've all like proper grown apart now, and (NAME)'s parents have both died. It's really sad. Those those memories, what we did, just it was like Famous Five style, riding your bike (unclear) It was so good and like walking back from (unclear) Bridge to the campsite through like the cows' fields with torches and getting all scared. It was proper (unclear) Totally miss it.

My favourite memory is probably just being able to play out with your friends and not have to worry about things like money and debt and Uni, work but just knocking on doors and seeing if your friends were playing out and go to the street and the fields, climbing the trees, pretending to be gargoyles. (laughter) Stuff like that. (laughter)

(laughter) Pretending to be gargoyles?

Gargoyles, yes, you can fly, no? (laughter)

(laughter) Aww (unclear) (laughter) (unclear) (laughter) What did you do with condoms when you were little?

Candles right

Oh candles! (laughter)

When I was allowed to go to town, do you know when you're young and you're allowed to go to town and stuff, you go and your mam gives you a fiver pocket money every week and em save it all week and go to town on the weekends and maybe buy a CD. But I got into (unclear) this shop called Wax Lyrical ok, in Eldon Square, and em it used to have Calvin Klein candles and I thought it was amazing to have that fragrance like in a scented candle, so I bought a Calvin Klein one and then I kind of like liked the idea so I sort (unclear) all these new contemporary different kinds of candles.

Candle collecting aww, it's ok I collected stamps.

I didn't collect candles. I only had about five sticks. (unclear) No because you could get unusual flavours. (laughter)

(unclear) (laughter) What were the other boys buying?

Like cars and footballs. (laughter)

(laughter) Right. Ok.

(laughter) Right what am I? Hang on I haven't even decided.

We're playing a game.

Ok I am.

Can't you be something in the room?

Well.

No (pause) all right. Does it?

I don't know it limits it, ok no (interruption) it doesn't. I am, I know exactly what I am.

(interruption) right (unclear)

No I'm not in the room.

Oh right (pause) I've got to ask you the questions?

You've got to ask (interruption) me the questions.

(interruption) I didn't know that right em.

Sorry.

Are you, a living biological thing?

No.

So you're an object?

Yeah.

Are you big or small?

Small. Oh no, (unclear) no, I can only say yes or no.

You can only say yes or no? Is someone going to tell me the rules before we play this game?

(laughter) Sorry

Are you big?

No.

So you're small, em, what, are you black?

No.

Red?

No.

Blue?

No.

Are you more than one colour?

No.

Brown?

No.

Orange?

No.

Green?

No.

Red and yellow, pink?

Sing us a song.

Pink?

Sing your song, sing your song, please sing your song (pause) the Chinese song. You've got to hear the Chinese song.

How can I sing a Chinese song in a Geordie accent?

Come it's 'cause it's 'cause it's interesting, please sing the song.

I haven't guessed what you are yet I will sing it after I've guessed what you are.

Ahh ok.

Right. What, so you're small, you're an object, and are you white?

No.

(unclear) I really am, I've never played before.

It's really hard with objects.

Purple.

No.

I've said every colour.

No, but there's like other kind of

Oh Jesus is it like?

No it's not like a a (interruption) hot pink or anything like that.

(interruption) Yeah.

It's just like a basic kind of can't really say.

What, right function what does it do, does it move?

A little bit.

Does it require batteries?

Yes.

Is it a       ?

Well it's a bit more than that.

A       .

(unclear) No it's just a specific one.

A rabbit.

No.

A bullet.

You just ruined the game.

A bullet.

Yes. Right sing a song.

Ah, Jesus Christ. Right this is a love song and I don't know why I'm singing it because it's in Chinese, I'm a Geordie, so it has no relevance but I'm being made to do it. Is any one going to hear this tape apart from you and your lecturer? (laughter)

(laughter) (unclear)

you're not going to put it on Facebook are you?

(laughter)

No I'm not going to sing it I'm sorry.

(NAME).

Chinese singing (pause) that's all you're getting (laughter)

(laughter) Brilliant absolutely brilliant.

Right I am what am I? I am, go!

Are you a human?

I haven't decided who I am yet, no.

(laughter)

Yes no, no I'm not human.

Are you a robot?

No.

Are you, living?

Yes.

Are you like a plant?

No.

Are you an animal?

Yes.

Are you an animal from China? (laughter)

No, I thought about being a panda but no I'm not.

Are you an animal from America?

I don't think so. They may have them in zoos.

Are you an animal in the UK?

Yes possibly, yeah, they have them in zoos, in Edinburgh Zoo.

So you're a zoo animal?

Well not really, if you go to Africa you might find it.

Are you endangered?

No I don't think so.

So you're from Africa?

Possibly, yes.

(laughter) Are you a rhinoceros?

No.

Giraffe?

Nope.

Elephant?

Nope.

African animal?

Yes.

(laughter) Are you hairy? (laughter)

(laughter) Em I have bits of hair.

Bits of hair?

Yeah.

Are you like a porcupine?

No. But you're kind of getting closer to what it looks like.

Spiky, scaly?

No not scaly.

Spiky, like a hedgehog?

It's kind of like

like a wild boar?

It's like, no what did you just say?

Wild boar.

Yes

you're a wild boar?

I'm a wild boar. I'm Pumbaa from the Lion King. (laughter)

(laughter) Brilliant.

All right you can stop.